the psychology of emotions and emotional intelligence

[Euryeth]

Hey everyone! I wanted to share some thoughts on emotions and emotional intelligence (EI) – it’s such a huge part of our everyday lives, yet people rarely stop to really unpack it. Emotions are basically those intense feelings we get when something important happens in our lives – they’re a mix of mental reactions and physical sensations (like our heart racing or hands sweating). Emotional intelligence, or EQ, is about how well we notice and understand those emotions in ourselves and others, and use them wisely. In other words, it’s not just about having feelings (everyone does), but about recognizing them, making sense of them, and deciding how to act on them. If you’ve ever had to calm yourself down when you’re upset, or figure out why your friend looks sad, that’s your EI at work.
history of emotional understanding

Humans have been thinking about feelings for ages. Ancient thinkers like Aristotle saw emotions (which he called “passions”) as important parts of being human. He pointed out that anger, love, fear, joy, etc., are natural and that a virtuous life means feeling the right amount of emotion at the right time (not too much or too little). Stoic philosophers like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius took a different tack: they said many negative emotions come from our judgments, and by changing how we interpret events we can stay calm (the idea of not letting anger or anxiety control us). In ancient China, Confucius and other sages recognized emotion too, teaching that feelings should be guided by wisdom and ritual. They weren’t about stuffing down emotions, but about channeling them properly for social harmony.

Fast forward to Europe’s Enlightenment era (17th-18th centuries), and emotions were often seen as less reliable than reason. The saying “never let your emotions get in the way of reason” came from this mindset. Philosophers and scientists split the mind from feelings, sometimes even treating emotions as something to overcome for progress. Yet later movements (like Romanticism) pushed back, arguing that emotions are the very thing that make life meaningful and creative. So there’s this long history of seeing emotions as both valuable guides and potential troublemakers. This tension between head and heart has continued into modern psychology.
modern theory of emotional intelligence

The term “emotional intelligence” itself is much more recent. In 1990, psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer described EI as the ability to notice and use emotions to inform our thinking and behavior. They said it’s about being aware of your own feelings and other people’s, and using that information to guide decisions. A few years later (1995), science writer Daniel Goleman popularized the idea with his best-selling book. Goleman talked about EI in terms of practical skills: self-awareness (knowing your emotions), self-regulation (managing them), motivation, empathy, and social skills. Since then, researchers have built detailed models of EI (for example, Mayer and colleagues described four key branches: perceiving emotions, using emotions to facilitate thought, understanding emotions, and managing emotions). The takeaway is that emotional intelligence isn’t just one thing – it’s a whole set of abilities that help us understand emotions in ourselves and others.
emotional intelligence in everyday life

Emotion and EI show up everywhere in our real lives. For kids, the emotional world is huge: babies start out just feeling comfort or discomfort, and gradually learn to name and regulate feelings like frustration or excitement. Parents play a big role here. A parent (especially a patient, responsive mother or caregiver) often tunes into a baby’s cries and coos, helping the child feel understood. This “emotion coaching” – calling a child’s feelings by name and guiding them through big feelings – builds emotional intelligence early on. As children grow, those who learned that feelings are normal and talkable usually have an easier time in relationships.

In friendships and romantic relationships, EI is key. Imagine two people in a relationship: if one person can sense that their partner is upset (even if the partner doesn’t say it), they can offer support or apology before things blow up. Good communication of feelings – “I feel hurt when…” – often relies on EI. High EI partners tend to solve conflicts more peacefully and keep the connection strong.

At work, emotions matter too. Leaders with high EI tend to be better at motivating their teams, giving honest feedback without anger, and staying calm under pressure. Colleagues who pick up on each other’s moods can avoid misunderstandings (like noticing when someone is stressed and adjusting accordingly). Many companies now actually value emotional intelligence as much as technical skills, because team success often depends on how people relate. Studies even suggest employees with higher EQ are more creative and satisfied on the job. A calm, empathetic manager who listens can inspire trust, whereas a boss who ignores feelings may cause anxiety or conflict.
emotions: truth, lies, and manipulation

We often think of emotions as honest truths about what’s going on inside us, and for the most part they are – they tell us what matters to us. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic and you instantly feel rage, that anger is telling you something about feeling disrespected. Emotions can serve as an internal dashboard. However, emotions can also be tricky. They can be exaggerated or even faked. Actors and politicians sometimes use emotional expression to persuade or manipulate others. A friendly smile might hide anger, or a tears can be crocodile tears if someone is lying. And sometimes people gaslight others: for instance, if you say you’re hurt by a comment and someone says “you’re too sensitive” or “that never happened,” they’re trying to make you doubt your own feelings.

On the flip side, we shouldn’t always dismiss our emotions as lies. If you feel anxious or sad, it’s often useful information (maybe you need rest, or something’s bothering you). The key is to recognize when emotions are coming from genuine reactions versus when we might be fooling ourselves. Emotions can run on autopilot – like the gut reaction that might not fit the situation once you think about it. Good emotional intelligence means using reason with emotion: you check why you feel a certain way and decide how to act, instead of automatically acting on impulse or always ignoring your feelings.
culture and emotional expression

Emotions might be universal, but how we show them can vary a lot by culture. Some basic feelings like happiness, sadness, anger, and fear are found everywhere, but every culture has its own rules about expressing them. For instance, in many Western cultures people are encouraged to express pride openly, while in some East Asian cultures being too loud about personal success might be frowned upon. Psychologist Paul Ekman talks about “display rules” – cultural norms about who can show which emotion to whom. For example, a culture might say “fathers don’t cry in front of kids,” or “it’s polite to smile even when upset.” Also, the triggers for feelings can differ: spicy food is a delight in one country and a source of disgust in another, even though both cultures have emotions of enjoyment or disgust.

Language shapes emotion too. Some languages have words for feelings that don’t exist in others. German speakers talk about schadenfreude – pleasure at someone else’s misfortune – with one word, whereas English only has a phrase. This can affect how easily we recognize and talk about those feelings. In a world society, you might notice these differences in friends from different backgrounds: one person might wear feelings on their sleeve, another might stay stoic, and neither is “wrong” – they’re just following different emotional scripts they learned.
emotions shaping personality

From the day we’re born, our emotional style is part of who we are. Babies have temperaments: some are easygoing and smile a lot, others are more intense or cautious. Those temperaments interact with experience to shape personality. For example, a toddler who often feels shy might grow up to be an introverted teen unless they learn coping skills. Or a child who’s always nurtured when upset may become an adult who is good at calming themselves down. On the other hand, a child whose feelings were ignored or punished might become anxious or anger-prone as an adult.

Throughout life, our habitual emotional responses become part of our character. Some adults are naturally optimistic and cheerful even in rough times (maybe because they learned resilience early on), while others default to anxiety or pessimism. Therapy and reflection can sometimes change those lifelong patterns, but early emotional experiences – like how parents or teachers responded to our feelings – leave lasting marks on our personality. Essentially, emotions act like crayons coloring our lives: they highlight what matters to us, they fill in our memories, and they influence how we see ourselves and the world.
society and emotions: suppression, positivity, labor

In society, there are all sorts of messages about emotions, and unfortunately many of them can be pretty unhelpful. For instance, a lot of people learn to suppress emotions. Boys might be told “boys don’t cry,” or adults told “you’re overreacting.” But telling ourselves and others to just bottle things up usually backfires: emotions that aren’t handled don’t just vanish – they might come out later as anger, stress, or health issues. A harmful practice related to this is gaslighting – when someone pretends your feelings aren’t real (“You’re crazy, that never happened!”). Gaslighting is a way of manipulating emotions to confuse or control someone, and it’s sadly common in toxic relationships.

Another modern issue is toxic positivity. Society often pushes the idea that we should always be upbeat. You’ve probably heard phrases like “just stay positive” or “good vibes only.” While optimism is great at times, toxic positivity is when negative feelings are outright dismissed. If a friend says “I’m really upset,” and someone replies “just think happy!” instead of listening, that can actually make the person feel worse (and ashamed for feeling bad). Long-term, insisting on only positive emotions prevents us from dealing with real problems. Psychology experts warn that refusing to face sadness, fear, or anger can breed shame or anxiety later, because the underlying issues were never resolved.

Some jobs require constant emotional labor, which is another form of emotional strain. Think of a flight attendant who must smile and be friendly even if they’re exhausted, or a nurse who helps patients every day but has to stay calm and compassionate. That’s work – and it can be exhausting. Constantly managing your emotions as part of your job, without a break, leads to burnout or what people sometimes call “empathy fatigue.” It means feeling drained from caring so much about others all the time. So, society’s messages can clash with individual emotional needs – we’re told to hide or fake feelings on one hand, and to be endlessly caring on the other, which is a tough balance.
common questions and misconceptions

To clear up a few frequent doubts and myths:

“Aren’t emotions just irrational?” Not really. Emotions evolved to help us survive (fear kept us away from danger, love bonded families). They give us information about what’s happening inside and around us. The trick is that emotions feel powerful, so sometimes we might not think clearly when they’re raging. Emotional intelligence is about using reasoning alongside feelings – neither should completely drive or be ignored.

“Is emotional intelligence something you’re born with or can you learn it?” Good question. There’s a natural side to it – some people do seem more in touch with emotions from a young age (maybe because of temperament or upbringing). But a lot of EI skills are learned. We become more emotionally intelligent through practice: paying attention to feelings, practicing empathy, learning from mistakes. So yes, you can always get better.

“Is EI just being friendly or nice?” No, it’s more. Being kind is nice, but EI also means honestly understanding feelings (even if they’re not nice) and managing them. An emotionally intelligent person can handle anger, disappointment, or criticism, not just sweetness. It’s about being authentic, not just superficially nice.

“I heard women have higher EI than men.” This one comes up a lot. On average, studies sometimes find women score slightly higher on some emotional skills (often because boys are culturally told to hide feelings). But individuals vary hugely, and guys can absolutely be very emotionally intelligent too. Social norms are changing so it’s not a fixed rule.

“Can emotional intelligence be measured like IQ?” There are tests for EI, but it’s not as straightforward as a quiz for math. EI is about flexible behaviors and self-awareness; tests might give a clue but it’s often more useful to see how someone handles real situations.

improving emotional intelligence

If you’re thinking “this all sounds great, but how do I get better at EI?”, here are some practical tips that people find helpful:

Notice and name your emotions. Make it a habit to check in with yourself: “What am I feeling right now? Why?” You can keep a feelings journal or just take a quiet minute a few times a day. Giving an emotion a name (like “I feel anxious”) already helps you understand it.

Talk about your feelings (safely). Find a friend, family member, or therapist who will listen without judging. Try saying out loud what you feel (e.g. “I felt really hurt when…”). This builds comfort with emotion. You don’t have to overshare if you don’t want to, but even small check-ins help.

Practice empathy. When someone else is upset, try to put yourself in their shoes. Ask them gently what’s wrong and listen more than you speak. You could also read stories or watch movies and pay attention to characters’ emotions, asking yourself how they feel and why.

Manage stress and take breaks. High emotions can overwhelm anyone. Learn some calming techniques like deep breathing, short walks, or grounding exercises (e.g. naming 5 things you see in the room) to use when you feel strong emotion building up. This stops you from reacting purely on impulse.

Reflect on reactions. After a big emotional moment (like a fight or a panic), when things are calmer, think back on it. What triggered you? How did you respond? Would you do anything differently next time? This reflection helps you learn from the experience.

Learn emotional words and cues. Sometimes low EI comes from not having the words for complex feelings. Look up lists of emotions or read psychology articles (or even dictionary definitions) about feelings. Also, pay attention to body cues in yourself and others: tight muscles, tone of voice, or facial expressions.

Seek feedback and role models. Watch people who are good with emotions – maybe a peaceful friend or a parent who stays calm. You can ask them, “How did you stay so calm when X happened?” Also, if someone tells you that you seemed angry or upset, thank them for noticing. It gives you info on how you come across.

Be patient and forgive slip-ups. Developing EI is a bit like learning a new language. You’ll get better with practice. If you misread someone’s feeling or lose your temper, don’t beat yourself up – just note it and try again next time.

conclusion and sources

Emotions and emotional intelligence color our entire human experience. By understanding their history, how they work in our minds and societies, and by asking the right questions, we can get a lot more out of our feelings and help others do the same. Thanks for reading this deep dive – I hope it gave you some useful insights! Feel free to chime in with your thoughts or any questions.

——–

🔹 Emotions Are Not Good or Bad — They’re Data

People treat emotions like enemies. “Don’t be angry.” “Stop crying.” But that’s like ignoring your phone when it rings. Emotions are messages, not mistakes.

Anger? Tells you your boundaries were crossed.

Sadness? You lost something that mattered.

Guilt? You acted against your own values.

Anxiety? You feel unsafe or unprepared.

Joy? You’re in alignment with what matters.

So instead of suppressing emotions, we read them. Ask: “What is this emotion trying to protect or show me?”
🔹 You Can’t Control Emotions, But You Can Control the Response

You’ll never stop emotions from showing up. You’re human, not a robot.

What you can do is control the space between the feeling and the action.

Example:

You feel rage. Instead of snapping, you pause, breathe, and say, “This really hurt. Let me cool off.”

You feel jealousy. Instead of acting petty, you ask yourself: “What am I afraid to lose? What insecurity is this poking at?”

This is emotional intelligence: feeling without becoming the feeling.
🔹 Most People Have Never Learned the Vocabulary of Emotions

Ask most adults how they feel — they say “bad” or “good.” That’s too vague.

Real emotional intelligence starts with labeling emotions accurately.

Instead of “bad,” say: “I feel overwhelmed, maybe disappointed, with a bit of shame.”

Instead of “good,” say: “I feel hopeful and calm. There’s a quiet excitement in me.”

The more precise you get with naming, the easier it is to deal with them. Emotional literacy = emotional power.
🔹 Suppressed Emotions Don’t Die — They Leak Out Elsewhere

If you grew up hearing “Don’t cry,” “Man up,” or “You’re too emotional,” chances are you bottled up emotions.

Problem is — bottled emotions don’t disappear. They show up as:

Overreactions to small things

Passive-aggressive behavior

Anxiety without knowing why

Constant tension in the body

Exhaustion from being “on guard”

Emotional intelligence means opening the valve safely, before the whole system blows.
🔹 Emotional Intelligence Is Not Being “Nice” — It’s Being Wise With Emotion

People think EQ is just smiling, being calm, and avoiding conflict.

False.

Real emotional intelligence looks like:

Calling someone out without attacking

Saying “no” and not feeling guilty

Crying and not feeling weak

Holding space for someone’s anger without absorbing it

Feeling jealousy and not letting it ruin a connection

It’s not about being “positive.” It’s about being present and clear.
🔹 You Can’t Have Emotional Intelligence Without Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the foundation. If you don’t know what’s going on inside you, you’ll be reacting on autopilot.

Start with check-ins: “What am I feeling right now?” Ask it like you’re checking a weather app.

Notice body cues: Tension in the jaw? Might be anger. Heavy chest? Could be sadness.

Track patterns: “When I’m with this person, I feel small.” Boom. Clue.

Self-awareness helps you stop being manipulated by your emotions or by others using your emotions.
🔹 Regulating Emotion Doesn’t Mean Shutting It Off

Regulation ≠ suppression.

Regulation means staying in the driver’s seat even if the road is wild.

You feel overwhelmed? Take a walk before replying.

You’re furious? Write out everything before speaking a word.

You’re emotional during a decision? Sleep on it.

Emotional intelligence isn’t cold — it’s controlled. Not dead inside, just aware and mature enough to hold heat without burning everything down.
🔹 Empathy Is Not Absorbing Others’ Pain — It’s Understanding It Without Losing Yourself

A lot of people confuse empathy with emotional merging.

Real empathy:

“I hear you. That sounds incredibly difficult.”

“You’re angry? I get that. You’re not crazy for feeling this.”

Fake empathy:

“Now I feel just as terrible as you do and I can’t function.”

Healthy empathy means being a witness, not a sponge.
🔹 Emotional Intelligence Can Be Learned — Not Just “Something You’re Born With”

EQ is not magic. It’s a skill set. Practice builds it.

Start with:

Emotion journaling — 5 mins a day

Pause-before-reacting rule — wait 10 seconds before replies in conflict

Name it to tame it — Say the emotion out loud when you feel it

Over time, you go from “I just explode” to “I feel the storm, but I choose how I walk through it.”
🔹 Your Emotional Intelligence Impacts Your Relationships More Than IQ Ever Will

Want better connection? Want less drama? Want to be respected?

EQ changes everything.

You listen better

You don’t overreact to tone

You don’t stonewall or shut down

You set clearer boundaries

You hold space for someone to feel without needing to fix them

You become someone people feel safe around. That’s rare. That’s powerful.

———

🧠💬 Final Word: Emotional Awareness Isn’t Optional — It’s Survival, Strength, and Freedom

Whether you realize it or not, your emotions are shaping everything about your life — your relationships, your decisions, your confidence, your sleep, even how your body feels. Most of us were never taught how to deal with feelings. We were told to suppress them, deny them, or hide behind logic or distractions. But here’s the truth:

You cannot outrun your emotions — but you can learn to walk with them without letting them control the direction.

Emotional intelligence isn’t about being overly sensitive or constantly calm. It’s about being real, clear, and in charge of how you respond to life — even when it throws chaos your way.
🚧 Why Emotional Awareness Matters:

When you’re not emotionally aware, you act out patterns blindly — lashing out, shutting down, needing validation, or people-pleasing.

You might blame others for your emotions, or worse, blame yourself and spiral into shame.

You end up feeling stuck, misunderstood, or exhausted, without knowing why.

But when you build emotional intelligence, everything shifts:

You stop reacting impulsively and start responding with clarity.

You can sit with your feelings, understand them, and use them as tools instead of triggers.

You become stronger in boundaries, softer in communication, and more stable in identity.

🔧 Real Solutions That Work — Start Small, Stay Consistent

You don’t need a therapist right away. You don’t need a perfect childhood to start. You don’t need to fix everything in a week. You just need to practice emotional awareness like a muscle:
✅ 1. Check In With Yourself Daily

Ask: What am I feeling right now? Where do I feel it in my body? What might be triggering this?
You can do this in your head, out loud, or in a private journal.
✅ 2. Name the Emotion

Be specific. Don’t say “bad.” Say: I feel rejected. I feel ignored. I feel excited but nervous. I feel ashamed but also proud of speaking up.
✅ 3. Breathe Before You React

If you’re about to reply in anger, pause. Give yourself space. Walk away, breathe, then return when you’re centered.
✅ 4. Talk It Out Without Blame

Instead of “You made me mad,” say: “I felt hurt when that happened, and I want to talk about it.”
✅ 5. Validate Yourself

You don’t need permission to feel what you feel. Just say: “It makes sense I feel this way. I get why I reacted like that.”
✅ 6. Build an Emotional Vocabulary

Use lists, apps, or charts to help you identify exactly what emotion you’re feeling. Emotional literacy makes things easier.
✅ 7. Keep Growing

Read, reflect, connect. Share your journey with others. It helps. You’re not alone, and the more you talk, the more people feel free to open up too.
✨ A Final Encouragement

No matter where you’re starting from — whether you’ve been numb for years, overly emotional, reactive, or avoidant — you can absolutely build emotional intelligence. It’s not too late. And you don’t need to be perfect to begin.

Every step you take toward emotional awareness is a step toward:

Healthier relationships

Stronger self-respect

Clearer communication

Less burnout and confusion

And a more powerful, stable version of yourself

You’re not weak for feeling. You’re not dramatic for being affected. You’re not broken for reacting. You’re human — and learning to work with your emotions is one of the most badass things you can do.

Thanks for being here and caring about this. Keep going. Keep growing.
The fact that you even read this far tells me you’re already doing better than you think.

🫱 Feel free to share your story. Ask questions. Challenge something. Or just say “I relate.” This space is for learning, venting, evolving — together.

— Peace, power, and awareness. 🌙🧠

conclusion and sources:

Salovey and Mayer (1990) first described emotional intelligence as “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions”
nobaproject.com
.

Daniel Goleman popularized EI in 1995 and highlighted how self-awareness, empathy, and other emotional skills connect to success in life. His work helped link EI to leadership and performance
nobaproject.com
online.hbs.edu
.

Good leadership often comes down to EI: effective managers listen, motivate, and remain calm. Research shows that employers value EQ highly (over technical skills), and that high-EQ individuals tend to be more creative and satisfied at work
online.hbs.edu
professional.dce.harvard.edu
.

Cultural psychologists like Paul Ekman note that while basic emotions are universal, how we express them depends on cultural “display rules” and even language (e.g. having or lacking words for certain feelings)
paulekman.com
.

Studies of child development emphasize that early emotional experiences and parental responses shape personality. A child’s innate temperament and their learned emotion-regulation strategies influence how they handle feelings into adulthood
healthychildren.org
child-encyclopedia.com
.

Common pitfalls like toxic positivity (dismissing negative feelings) and emotional labor (having to perform emotions on the job) are well-documented. For example, Psychology Today explains that ignoring or shaming negative emotions can prevent healing and breed guilt
psychologytoday.com
.

Finally, experts agree that emotional intelligence skills can be developed. Training programs (e.g. at Harvard and elsewhere) focus on the EI components of self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills as learnable abilities
professional.dce.harvard.edu
nobaproject.com
.

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